Where I fit 

I got a boyfriend, who I got engaged to, bought a house with and ended up marrying. Far more interesting than the schoolyard romances, which for me were few.  Thinking I fit in here is nice. But then things changed. I didn’t think I fit in any more. So I tried to find other places where I fit, other people I fit in with. 

Bodies don’t lie like words lie. You can say you love someone a thousand times and never mean it, but you love those words and make that person believe. You can look at someone and, if you are not attracted to them, you don’t get turned on. Easier to tell with men than women. 

I can never tell through words alone whether or not someone likes me. I always want proof. How can I trust anyone. People are there to please, so I do what I can to please them, anything for them to be happy with me. 

The only person I can never please is myself. I know this, but I can forget. I just forget how disgusting a person I am. I do this to avoid sensory overload, much the same way you block out the sensation of the clothes on your skin. Sensory overload leads to a downwards spiral which is very scary. Scary thoughts lead to bad things happening. People don’t stick around too long when bad things happen. 

So, drop the thoughts. Let them fall to the back of your mind, with lots of other stuff. Bright colours camouflage the bleakness of your mind. It’s nice here, easy to get to once you know how.

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